Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin made ‘consciously uncoupling,’ a household term when describing their decision to separate and co-parent several years ago. But in 2017, could ‘conscious coupling‘ actually save your relationship?
“Consciousness is very pragmatic,” explains Dr. Dain Heer, co-creator of Access Consciousness and author of “Divorce-less Relationships. “A conscious relationship should be something that adds to your life – both individually, and together. It’s about contributing to each other, having a sense of freedom and empowerment, so that your lives get greater as a result of your choice to be a couple.”
Here are Dr. Heer’s tips for creating more consciousness in your relationships.
Acknowledge that no one has the perfect partner, or is the perfect partner, says Dr. Heer. “In a conscious relationship, being perfect is not part of the criteria,” says Dr. Heer. “It’s not about being ok with everything about our partner, either. Being conscious in your coupling doesn’t mean trying to be or have the perfect partner, it means being willing to look at a situation and ask “what is the most practical choice we can make here so that it works for both of us?” he says.
Give up the idea that your relationship is the answer to anything, but rather, it is a choice you make in every moment. “Whether you’re happy to admit it or not, most people never wish to fully commit to a relationship, always leaving the back door open ‘just in case'”, says Dr. Heer. He suggests closing the back door and acknowledging that you’re going to be there through the good, bad and ugly. “From here look at the possibilities of your relationship, not at the answers you think it has to provide to each problem that arises.”
Questions are conscious, and answers are not, points out Dr. Heer. “A question empowers us to change anything, and answers really do the opposite – they kill possibilities. So in conscious coupling, questions are an essential element,” he explains. “Most of us have been walking the same path since they became a partnership that they find themselves in a rut they cannot get out of.” When you ask questions like “what else is possible here that we haven’t considered?” possibilities open up that you never saw before, he adds. What will happen is you will get an awareness of something you can do differently that will allow a shift in the areas you feel stuck, he explains. “Consciousness is about being willing to do what works for your relationship, no matter how different that looks from anyone else’s.”
Lastly, in conscious coupling, you don’t use your relationship as a platform to judge you, your partner or anything else cautions Dr Heer. “Consciousness includes everything and judges nothing, including you, your partner and your relationships,” he says. When you eliminate judgment, you have space for gratitude to grow. “And when you have gratitude, all kinds of things can expand in life.” Ask yourself ‘what are you grateful for in your partner?’ as well as ‘What are you grateful for about you?’ and ‘What are you grateful for that you have created together?'”
Here is Stylizen’s shops for ensuring you remain a little more conscious with your coupling.
Roll the dice next time you disagree to make light of the load.
Make Dice Love Dice – Kiss, $6.95, available at Notemaker.
Say it with balloons, any time, any room!
Urban Outfitters Rose Gold Love Balloon, approx. $13, available at Urban Outfitters.
Adorn your walls with reminders of your adoration.
Fixate Designs Gold Foil Print Love Quote, $11, available at Etsy.
Do you think you need to conscious couple? What are your thoughts on Dr. Heers’s tips?